How to Avoid One of the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

It’s easily done, with willingness and bravery as your companions

‘I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings more’. 

Did you know that’s one of the top 5 regrets of those who are dying?

I can’t imagine you want to die with regrets, so if you have any kind of an inkling at all that this could be something that might apply to you, read on…

In the past 45 years or so, there are three specifics I’ve found to be really helpful with being fully me in all relationships. They might help you too - even using just one of these suggestions once a week will mean you begin to create more open-heartedness. That will go a very long way towards you lying on your death bed, looking back at a life well-lived and well-loved, totally regret-free. If you’ve gotta go, (and you have!) I reckon that’s a pretty good place to be in.

1. The Appreciation Game

Recently, a young student walking up our road towards the high school caught my eye. Her long, luscious, silky red hair swung about her shoulders. As I passed her, my mouth opened, and out popped ‘Your hair is so gorgeous!’

Shock that I was speaking to her at all was quickly replaced by a great big grin, and I could see this had made a big difference to her. What’s more, it made me feel wonderful too!

Appreciation is a two-way thing, from which both giver and receiver benefit. When you appreciate something or someone, you recognise their full worth in that moment, and that is what’s so meaningful.

Do you dare to bring appreciation more into any of your relationships? Yes, you might feel a bit vulnerable. But maybe that could be okay? If you fancy having a go, try playing The Appreciation Game – it’s a great way to feel good.

Here’s the rules:

1. Agree to complete the following sentence for each other:

   ‘I appreciate you because_____’

2. Fill in the blank and tell them (or if you prefer you can leave a note for each other)

3. Commit to doing this once/twice/three times in the day.
   

Visiting the bathroom in a friend’s house recently, I was touched to see a post it note on the mirror saying ‘I appreciate the way you bring me breakfast in bed on Sundays’. She and her husband had agreed to play the game to remind them to not take each other for granted. By focusing on one thing about each other they really appreciated, every day, they reminded themselves regularly why they had fallen in love in the first place, and what was still keeping them together.

Another benefit of appreciation is that you just can’t do it without having an open heart, it kind of just comes along for the ride. And feeling open-hearted more often than not is one of the necessary components for a full and satisfying relationship. Meaning one in which there will be few, if any, regrets.

2. Using ‘I’ Statements

What’s often said in relationships are things like ‘You just think money grows on trees!’, ‘You’re always on your phone, you never listen to me’, or ‘ You never do what I ask you to do’’.

Just the other day, I caught myself saying to my husband ‘You’re hopeless’ (it was only because he wasn’t doing something the way I wanted him too, I’m laughing at myself as I type this!)

The problem with these statements is they all begin with an accusatory ‘you’, and those to whom they are directed can easily feel defensive, resentful and definitely not open-hearted. That’s because the statement in the way it is worded is easily perceived as an attack.

Using an ‘I’ statement, however, you can still get your message across, but in such a way that it is much more likely to be heard. For instance, instead of the above you could say: ‘When you spend money on extra things, I feel anxious and worried’, ‘When you keep your phone out at dinner, or answer it, I feel unappreciated and not very important’, and ‘You know something? I feel really overwhelmed and unappreciated when you don’t take your share of our responsibilities. Can we discuss it?’

And I could have said ‘When you don’t do something the way I want, I feel frustrated because I know I will have to clear up after you.’

Using an ‘I’ statement means you are taking responsibility for your own feelings, you are expressing them consciously and with care, and you are still being assertive, but not in such a hostile and aggressive manner.

‘I’ statements also allow for interaction and discussion, thereby keeping the channels of communication open. Always a good thing!

3. Asking a Scary Question

My late husband Philip and I used to ask each other a question that sometimes was quite scary, depending on when it was asked. The question was:

‘Do you feel loved by me?

Normally we express our love by saying ‘I love you’. Often the recipient feels honour-bound to reply ‘I love you too’. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but asking whether the other feels loved by you is quite different. For a start, you have to be willing to hear an honest answer (possibly why it’s not such a common question?)

If the answer is yes, you might want to know how they feel loved. If the answer is no, you might want to know why that is too. Either way it can lead to an honest discussion, which of course is why it can sometimes be a bit scary.

I noticed that when I was the one asking, I really had to be willing to hear a ‘no’, and then to be open to hearing the reasons why not. If I was being asked the question, I had to respond just as honestly.

What happened was that every single time, it led to a conversation that helped us feel closer, more intimate, and more involved with each other.

These 3 elements are so much part of my way of living now that I hardly notice them any more, so I wanted to share them with you, and hear also how you express your feelings in your relationships/friendships - leave me a comment and let me know, I’m curious.

(And if you like this post, please do click on the heart icon above, or share it. That’s you appreciating me, and me feeling appreciated - and it also makes it easier for people to find this newsletter. Thank you in advance!).